This is a very personal and vulnerable post of mine. As 2024 is closing in and coming to an end, I have been in a deep state of reflection and I finally feel like I have processed my feelings enough to see this year clearly. I have lived two lives in 2024, and I feel like I have transformed through different versions of myself.
My second life started in May, when my (now ex) boyfriend of 3 years left me on a sun-bed on a beach in Turkey whilst we were on holiday for his friends wedding. Travelling back to London alone after being abroad with his friends was a strange feeling. On reflection, I suppose surreal and slightly traumatised would be the best way to describe the experience. I genuinely believed that this man was the love of my life for many years, and I just couldn’t understand how someone could justify acting so cold. I know now that this lack of understanding is a blessing, as I’m not the kind of person that could understand or justify that kind of behaviour.
The initial heartbreak set in 2-3 weeks later, and the whole experience was worse than any physical pain that I have ever experienced. There were nights where the pain felt like I was having a heart attack and I thought that I was going to pass out from hyperventilating. It sounds so dramatic, but it was so much worse than I ever thought it could be. I attempted to understand what was happening to me through finding logic, so I threw myself into researching attachment styles and the neurological withdrawal experienced during a break-up. The sudden deficit in neurotransmitters, particularly serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin, causes a withdrawal similar to that associated with substance misuse, causing sleep disturbances, emotional dysregulation and mood swings. The attachment distress and feelings of grief causing obsessive and intrusive thinking and rumination, contributing to decreased concentration and a suppressed immune system. In a nutshell, there are a lot of physiological and neurological changes that are experienced following a separation and finding comfort in the logic was the first step that I took towards healing.
Travelling after a break-up
In July, I decided not to get on my return flight home from Barcelona and I travelled Europe for 1 month. By taking myself out of London, I used distraction to escape the intensity of my feelings. I switched frequencies and timelines, and it was the best (and most spontaneous) decision that I ever made for myself. I met some incredible people, and no-one knew that I was going through unless I decided to tell them. I felt in control of my life for the first in months, if not for over a year, and travelling helped me to realise that my life would continue beyond the break-up. I started to feel grateful for the fresh start and the opportunity to make decisions about what is going to happen in my life, and on my own timeline.
Travelling solo was a powerful move for me this year. There were times when I felt terrified of being away, and times where I felt terrified of returning home. I felt so lost, and I wasn’t sure of who I was anymore. I had spent 3 years trying so hard to make another person happy, that I didn’t even know what made me feel happy anymore. I repeatedly extended my travels, feeling terrified about what feelings would be brought up for me when I returned home.
I used journalling consistently as a healing tool, but I could not quite pinpoint why I felt so passionate about being away and avoiding home. Was I being avoidant and running away from my feelings? Was I trying to prove that I was fine by smiling my way through different countries? Was I trying to find a new version of myself? I think the reason was all of these combined, in addition to just not knowing what the hell I was supposed to do.
Returning Home
After 1 month, I was excited to be back in London. After sleeping in hostel beds and sharing a bathroom with strangers, I couldn’t wait for some privacy! However, I think that I hit ‘rock-bottom’ when returning home. My concentration was non-existent, and despite being so excited to see my friends, I just wanted to be alone. The pain that I felt was replaced with raging anger – especially when I found out that my belongings had been given away to his mates girlfriends. I would throw up from the rage, and the hatred and disgust consumed me for a while. I felt like I had lost control of myself, and I started to turn the hatred towards myself. I hated how I was acting, and I hated how I looked. I hated my habits, and I questioned every action that I was taking. This was the catalyst for change, and although it was 5 months since the break-up, it was most significant time of the year for my healing journey.
I Changed My Life
In the last part of 2024, I took control of my health and wellbeing. Between September – December, I cut down on my alcohol intake and took an intentional approach to my nutrition and exercise. I lost 6kg, and dropped 5% body fat. I started exercising in ways that were brand new to me, and I pushed past the physical limitations that I had believed in.
At the end of 2024, I have moved on from the relationship more than I ever thought was possible. However, I am still healing and the Christmas period has brought up a lot of hurt for me.
I no longer recognise the girl that I was before May of this year, and I am in awe at how different my life feels now, despite not much actually changing. Now that I am through the other side, I feel so much lighter. Going into 2025, I have never felt so empowered, healthy and happy as I do right now. I am thriving in my career, I absolutely love living in London and I feel so excited to continue on this journey of self-development throughout 2025!
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